i don’t sleep like a normal person anymore, and i think it is starting to rewire my brain a little bit. maybe becoming a bit unhinged. i try to do all of the things that the internet tells me to do to make my brain shut up and go to sleep, but i still wind up empty handed. i’m not stressed or thinking of anything in particular, i just can’t fall asleep. not real sleep. i sort of wade around in the shallow sleep pool. the kind of sleep where you are kind of paralyzed but still aware of what is happening around you. i hate that sleep. it’s the ‘5 more minutes til i really have to get up’ sleep. the kind of sleep that ‘doesn’t count.’
i take sleeping pills every night, which do nothing anymore. it is more or less out of habit and fear that without them i will get less sleep. and i do get less sleep without sleeping pills.
it is nearly 4am and i am basically just annoyed because i want to sleep but i can’t. and it plays out the same every night, so maybe i should just like embrace this weird brain rewiring and be productive in the dark or something.
…i’d rather sleep, though.