SRSLY

i don’t sleep like a normal person anymore, and i think it is starting to rewire my brain a little bit. maybe becoming a bit unhinged. i try to do all of the things that the internet tells me to do to make my brain shut up and go to sleep, but i still wind up empty handed. i’m not stressed or thinking of anything in particular, i just can’t fall asleep. not real sleep. i sort of wade around in the shallow sleep pool. the kind of sleep where you are kind of paralyzed but still aware of what is happening around you. i hate that sleep. it’s the ‘5 more minutes til i really have to get up’ sleep. the kind of sleep that ‘doesn’t count.’

i take sleeping pills every night, which do nothing anymore. it is more or less out of habit and fear that without them i will get less sleep. and i do get less sleep without sleeping pills.

it is nearly 4am and i am basically just annoyed because i want to sleep but i can’t. and it plays out the same every night, so maybe i should just like embrace this weird brain rewiring and be productive in the dark or something.

…i’d rather sleep, though.

waiting for the bus yesterday felt like torture. it was so cold out, but still doesn’t even come close to an illinois winter day. i have already adapted. i may be homesick out of my mind, but i do not miss foot upon foot of snow or winds that knock me off of the sidewalk.

i am making some mix tapes [cds] today. i am sending one surprise to someone, making a christmas cd for my secret santa recipient, and making another mix for some people i do not know very well but jokingly said i should send them something.

fraser gave me a data disc full of bands i really wanted, and some other music i didn’t know i wanted. you could ask that kid if he has nearly anything, and he will say yes. and anything he doesn’t have, my bets are on jamie, alex, or bart to have.

today is the first day that it has really kicked in that i am not home. i know i often struggle with the idea of home as a definite place, and the feeling of being at home. right now, home feels infinite. the fields lined with corn have boundaries, but as far as i can see, they go on forever.

and right now, home feels indefinite. will i be here next year? the year after? is this my home now, and am i refusing to admit it? have i signed myself up for something i ended up loving more than i bargained for?

at any rate, i am not home in the ‘where i came from’ sense today, and even though i am scrambling to fill the void with everyone i know in this city, it’s really not going to be the same. this is the only holiday, as far as i am concerned, that means much of anything to me. and even though i am happy to fill my living room with love and friends, i am just the slightest bit sad that i am away from home today.

lamebook.com is the best site EVER.

why do people get so religious when they get married and have kids? punch me in the face if i start to believe in god. or i ever refer to one of my children as a ‘miracle.’

other things that i promise to never do in my adult life: vote republican, paint my bedroom pink, own a bible, color my hair when i start going grey, buy a minivan [or any kind of van], own a pool table [or foosball], decorate with a neon beer sign, put one of those vintage looking guiness signs in a frame and proudly display it in my home, and i will never display encouraging words in my home [i.e.: dream, pray, love, peace, inspire, hope, faith, blah blah blah].

this list will be updated.

why is it fashionable for people to not be able to cook? women think it’s like this cute thing if they say they’ve never turned on their oven. i think it’s sad.

i have the apartment to myself today, which means i could do some cleaning or packing, but what i will probably do in reality is take a very long bath, watch project runway, and go to the shop for a snack later on. i can’t think of anything else i necessarily want to do. life is boring.

also, anytime i am meeting someone for coffee or tea, i always suggest starbucks. not because i like their coffee best, but because they have gigantic mugs, it is centrally located, and they have soy milk [which most other cafes don’t]. then people get all judgy with me. it’s just starbucks, geez. who cares?

so sleep deprived [and subsequently irritable] i almost pushed an old lady today at the scotmid for blocking the donuts and then walking reeeeeeeeally slow in front of them.

body.

powering.

down.

…now.

it is really very hard to fake cleaning an apartment that is so insanely filthy. in half an hour, our landlord will be taking some poor, unsuspecting souls [who would like a 2 bedroom the size of a shoebox at the top of a mountain of stairs] on a tour of this apartment, wherein they will hopefully say, ‘we want to move in asap.’ fingers crossed. i hope that having all of my cutest things out on display might make them love the apartment on a very superficial level. that totally sways me sometimes. if our new apartment didn’t come with a kitchen table, i might not have loved it so much.

dear english people:

please stop adding the letter ‘r’ to the ends of words where it does not belong. i don’t put vanillar in anything, i don’t drink vodkar, and girlfriend is not in a comar [take that, noah and the whale].

double shame points for adding ‘r’ to the ends of people’s names. i’d be mad if someone called me rebeccar or hannahr.

if you don’t stop, i might invade england with a vengeance.

love,

lauren

(via blogsecret)

sometimes blogsecret really speaks to me.

when i was a freshman in high school, i used to make fun of this girl cause she looked like freddie mercury. today i happened upon her facebook page. she still looks like freddie mercury.